May was Mental Health Awareness Month, so I wanted to talk about something that I’ve been struggling with over the course of my pregnancy and postpartum experience. I’ve been working on this post for a while since I’ve been trying to find ways to cope, which is why it’s a little late. I was also a little hesitant to share as part of what I’m going to talk about. This has a way of isolating you, making you think you’re crazy. It’s something that I don’t think is talked about enough. Trigger warning- I talk about postpartum OCD, anxiety and depression.

I’m sitting on the couch, holding my 8 month old baby while he laughs and up at me. My husband is watching tv next to us, and all I can think about is that one time last year when I may or may not have gotten rabies (Spoiler alert- I most definitely do not have rabies).

My first OCD intrusive/obsessive thought

It’s completely insane. I know it’s completely insane; there is no possible way that I have rabies. The CDC even said that it’s not possible when I called them last year crying. Yes- I called the CDC during the pandemic about rabies. My sister and I had taken my dog for a hike last year in June. When we were hiking my dog found a bat on the ground. I didn’t see except for out of the corner of my eye. I’m pretty sure my dog jumped back because the bat moved when she went to sniff it. I checked her mouth right away to see if I could see a bite.

Immediately after checking her mouth, I started freaking out. What if the bat left saliva on Barley’s mouth, and then when I looked at her mouth, what if I touched the bat’s saliva? What if it got into my blood through a cuticle cut that I had? Did that bat have rabies? Do all bats have rabies? Was I going to die? Should I go and get a rabies shot?

The panic from that tiny moment kept me up at night for a week straight. Every day my husband came home to me crying telling him I didn’t want to die. He would reassure me over and over again that this was not possible, but I just kept saying “but what if!” I even called my neighbor/good friend who reassured me it wasn’t possible. She even had her husband reassure me, but I still wasn’t believing them. Finally, I contacted the CDC and asked if I should go get a rabies shot. He said it was almost impossible that something like that could happen, and I could finally relax.

One year later- Postpartum OCD kicks in

About one year later, I thought I had missed the postpartum anxiety and depression window. I had Max in September and he was about 8 months old by this point. But somehow though I found myself sitting wondering if I might still have rabies. I had read that sometimes the symptoms don’t come on until up to a year later. I stayed up at night thinking about it, I looked up case studies about it, I looked for symptoms of it. Nothing could distract me, not even my happy little baby. Every minor headache or body ache I had, I attributed it to rabies.

I knew it was insane which made everything worse. I started to think that there is no way to escape my crazy thoughts and the fact that I can’t help but believe them. My mind started to go to much darker places than I’ll ever really admit feeling like there was no way out.

I’ve been told by the therapist that I’m seeing that I have been having obsessive intrusive thoughts. These are likely related to postpartum OCD, anxiety. Everyone has heard of postpartum depression. I know that some women have talked about having intrusive thoughts of really terrifying things like hurting their baby. I haven’t had anything like that so I didn’t think it could possibly be related to postpartum. For some reason I’m having insane thoughts that I can’t understand why I even take them seriously. I’m thinking of things like rabies, or every single thing I ever said or did wrong to anyone in my life. How can this be postpartum OCD or anxiety? But it is, and it’s something that so many women struggle with and don’t realize can be part of postpartum.

Facts About Postpartum Mental Health

Recently I’ve heard so many women dealing with obsessive and intrusive thoughts. It can be about anything. Some women have them about events like I’ve had them. Some have them about the safety of their baby or the cleanliness of their baby and their home. Others have them about future events. The main thing that I’ve heard from other women and that I’ve experienced myself is that the way that you obsess over these thoughts makes it hard to do anything else. I’ve struggled at work, I can’t concentrate on things I’m doing, and I feel like there is no escape.

Postpartum OCD, depression and/or anxiety can occur any time in the first 12 months, which is not something that seems to be well known. I know that when I was initially reading about it, I figured if it was going to happen, it would be in the first few months right after giving birth. They checked boxes on a piece of paper for me at my six week OBGYN appointment, and sent me home telling me that I sounded great. I had no idea that this could continue to happen as time went on, and I didn’t know how common it was either.

Postpartum depression occurs in 1 in 10 new mothers and fathers. Yes, you read that right- men can get postpartum depression as well which was something I learned about recently. It’s not as common but it does happen.

Signs of PPD

Initially when I was dealing with my Postpartum OCD, I didn’t realize that’s what it was. I’ve always had anxiety and maybe even depression, but I’ve never dealt with obsessive thoughts, so I really didn’t know that’s what they were. Here are some signs to look out for if you think you’re struggling with postpartum OCD, anxiety or depression:

• Feeling sad or crying a lot even when you’re not sure why
• Sleeping too much, or feeling exhausted but not being able to sleep
• Being super irritable
• Not being able to make decisions
• Struggling to concentrate or remember things
• Having intrusive thoughts or obsessions
• Feeling dread or a sense of danger
• Excessive worrying about the baby
• Racing thoughts
• Compulsions- things like cleaning constantly or counting to try to reduce anxiety
• Fear of being left alone with the baby

How to Cope

There are many ways to deal with postpartum OCD, depression and anxiety, the main one should be by consulting your doctor. When I first started this blog I had found a few things that make you feel normal again after baby, which can be helpful, but there are certain things that definitely help more with real PPD or PP OCD. I am unable to be on medication right now because of my son’s heart medication, so I’ve found a few other things that seem to have helped, and hopefully they’ll help you too:

1.) Get outside

I said before that nothing could help me escape my mind, but if there is anything that lessens the internal battle that I’ve been facing, it’s definitely being outside. I take Max out and we sit in the front yard and pick the grass and wait for my husband to come home after work, or we go on a walk or to the beach or just anything to be out of the house that can sometimes feel like a dungeon. Being in the sun, especially in warmer weather has a way of fighting off any demons I’m facing, and the vitamin D helps too.

2.) Exercise

I know, you have a baby, when would there be time or energy to work out? I don’t know how I’ve been doing it, probably it’s mainly because I know it definitely helps so I find the time wherever I can, but generally finding time to work out hasn’t been hard for me. Even if I just bring Max for a 30 minute walk, anything that gets me moving even just a little bit and gets my heart rate even a little bit elevated has seemed to really help me.

There are a ton of studies on the benefits that exercise has on depression, so I figured it was worth a shot, and for me it really makes a big difference in my ability to cope. It doesn’t usually help right away, but I find that over time if I consistently work out, my mind seems to relax a little bit.

3.) Talk to someone

I had reached out to my OBGYN when this started last year when I was pregnant. My pregnancy had me feeling really horrible. I think that for me, hormones have an effect on my that I am not able to deal with. I’ve never been able to take birth control without completely losing my mind, so I probably should have expected this. My OBGYN referred me to a therapist, and I’ve been talking to her ever since.

I highly recommend reaching out to talk to someone . Even on the days when we don’t talk directly about my anxiety or OCD, it just feels good- especially in this environment- to talk to someone that doesn’t think I’m crazy for the way I think, and gives me ways to try to cope. One good thing that came out of Covid is that a lot of services are offered virtually now, so you can talk to a therapist right from the comfort of your home!If you don’t know where to start, a good place to look would be Better Help. They offer exclusively online services!

4.) Find a distraction

This might relate more to my intrusive and obsessive thoughts, but when I’m really struggling, finding even the smallest distraction really helps. Blogging, baking, cooking, reading, writing- really anything that you have to focus on can help! Last year I started reading again, which I hadn’t done as a hobby since before I started my MBA. Even just scrolling through TikTok can be helpful. Bonus points if your hobby makes you smile- or makes you money like artwork you can sell!

5.) Find a support system

I have a lot of people that I can rely on when I’m feeling bad. There are least a handful of people that I can call and tell my crazy thoughts to, and they will talk me off the ledge. I’ve called a few of my best friends and my sister more times than I care to admit sobbing about one crazy thing or another. Every time they find ways to comfort me and try to help me figure out what’s going on.

If you don’t have a group of friends you can rely on, there are so many places that you can meet people that are going through what you’re going through. I’ve seen topics like this in facebook groups, on instagram. You can even reach out to your OBGYN or your town to see if there are any mommy-and-me groups. I promise you that you are not alone in what you are going through. Sometimes just knowing that is enough to help me cope.

Another thing that I have noticed, and that my therapist point out, is that it could be cyclical and related to your cycle. For me it probably is because I notice that I struggle way more during certain times of the month. I’ve always attributed it to hormones, though I don’t know that that’s correct. I’ve been looking more into Cycle Syncing. I’ll update this post once I know whether or not I’ve had any success with it.

It Gets Better

…Or so I’m told. For right now, I’ve been coping by doing the things I’ve listed above. I’m hopeful that over time I won’t need to rely so heavily on the things I listed to feel “normal”. If you’ve had an experience with Postpartum OCD, anxiety or depression, leave a comment below! Especially if you have any advice to offer other moms struggling!